... just some random bedtime thoughts.
1. My nanny, Ate Lorna, left us to get married when i was 6. She must have been the one responsible for my being too impatient most of the time. And well, yes, for being bitchy at times.
2. There was one instance when i was allowed to play outside with the neighbors/cousins. I went home crying after a few minutes because i had a fight with somebody. Apparently, i lost.
Two days after that, my dad made an improvised punching bag, and he hanged it in our sala, taught me the right way to punch and the moves, hehe. After lunch that day, my cousin Editha (the daughter of my mom's cousin, actually), stopped by. And probably too eager to test my new skill, i lunged at her and gave her a straight punch on the stomach. She almost passed out. I was so proud of myself then but I was grounded for two days because of that.
3. When i was three or four years old, my mom used to read bible stories to get me to sleep after lunch. There was a time when she was too busy that she was not able to read to me. I tried reading the bible (Bicol version) on my own. That was how i learned to read.
4. We used to have chickens in our backyard. During one of my afternoon naps with my mom, i tiptoed outside to play with the newly-hatched chicks. I remembered getting them out of their cage one by one, and then i saw my mom and Ate Lorna running towards me, their faces in total shock and panic because i had been screaming so loud. I was on hysterics then because i stepped on and killed one of the chicks. That, ladies and gentlemen, was the only time i committed murder.
5. I wore a red dress on my fourth birthday. I liked that dress very much that i insisted on wearing it on my brother’s college graduation a month later. But then, i grew up hating the color red and not owning any piece of clothing with that shade. I am okay now though, i have five or six red tops already.
6. I had been a witness to a real murder scene when i was six. It was dawn when i woke Ate Nandi (our house help after Ate Lorna) because both my mom and dad left me to go to church. I asked her to accompany me outside to go walking on the beach. It was then that we saw a man being stabbed to death on the beach right in front of our house. Ate Nandi had to cover my mouth to stop me from screaming. This event must have started my aversion to the color red.
7. I stepped over the embers from our barbecue grill when i was seven years old. I had planned to use it to cook using my clay pots and i could not remember where i placed the coals until after i felt them smoldering my feet. Until now, i still shiver each time i remember how the burning coals clung to my feet and couldn't be removed until after my mom poured water at my burning foot.
8. There wasn't a day in my childhood when my knees weren't scraped and bleeding. My elbows too, sometimes. There must be a reason why my parents waited til i was 12 before buying me my first and, as it turned out, my only bike.
9. I was naughty at times, but a good kid, in general. I wanted to be a values education teacher when i was six. My kinder graduation speech was actually about how i will be a teacher and will educate thousands of other kids.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
put down your new god, and love me like sunday again.
While trying to get me to sleep, this song started playing in my mind, and as i was trying to remember the lyrics of my favorite song some years ago, i started crying. just like that.
i miss going to church. i miss having to give up control over and totally entrust my life to Somebody greater than myself.
Here's my song, so that it reminds me every now and then how it felt like back then, when i wasn't pushing myself too much, because i knew that Someone knows how to make my life better.
(i still haven't remembered the title of this song though...)
Sadyang kay buti ng ating Panginoon
Nagtatapat sa habang panahon
Maging sa kabila ng ating pagkukulang
Biyaya Niya’y patuloy na laan.
Katulad ng pagsikat ng gintong araw
Patuloy Siyang nagbibigay tanglaw
Kaya’t sa puso ko’t damdamin
Katapatan Niya’y aking pupurihin.
Dakila ka, O Diyos..
Tapat ka ngang tunay
Magmula pa sa ugat ng aming lahi
Mundo’y magunaw man, maaasahan kang lagi
Maging hanggang wakas nitong buhay.
Kaya, o Diyos, Ika’y aking pupurihin
Sa buong mundo’y aking aawitin
Dakila ang iyong katapatan
Pag-ibig mo’y walang hanggan.
Dakila ka, o Diyos
Sa habang panahon
Katapatan mo’y matibay na sandigan
Sa bawat pighati’t tagumpay man ay naroon
Daluyan ng pag-asa kung kailanga’y hinahon
Pag-ibig mong alay sa’kin, noon hanggang ngayon
Dakila Ka, o Diyos.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
sorry, i am late again.
I do not always hate my boss.
In fact, I would not have stayed this long if he is as despicable as I sometimes portray him to be (by the way, I have two bosses and both are extreme opposites).
For one, this boss strongly opposed my other boss’ proposal to have us hand in a daily, no, HOURLY activity report. He was bold enough to say that it was a stupid idea right in front of all of us auditors. Whoa. Right there and then, I wanted to give him a standing ovation (what an ass, haha). And believe me, i resisted the urge to turn and look at my other boss' reaction.
Anyways, going back to why I am doing this kiss-ass entry…
After the 3-hour long meeting meant to criticize my current project which, thank god, wasn’t butchered, I was finally able to go back to my desk to check my mails.
Here’s what I’ve found.
Gahd, I couldn’t stop laughing.
I could imagine my boss lying awake every night thinking up some ways to encourage us to be model ALI employees by coming to work at 7:30 AM. Before, he used to send email reminders to everybody to not forget that work starts at 7:30 AM and that we are not on flexi-time. When he sends these good morning emails, he is usually the only one in the office, and two or three hours would pass before any of us are able to read it. By that time, his annoyance is a thing of the past.
Months after that, he called a meeting, saying that, yes, we can come to work at 8:00 because, indeed, 7:30 is too early. Besides, we stay late working overtime naman.
Apparently, these things failed. And he has gone out of other strategies to make us come to work on time.
Our chronic lateness must have been driving him crazy already for him to resort to this kind of compromise. (Sir, seriously, this is not exactly what the company policy says. But I love it.)
So while we were still laughing our hearts out, our secretary informed us that the new internal arrangement is supposed to take effect Friday - TOMORROW. And Des and I are supposed to be the ones going to work before 7:30AM.
Well... regardless of how much I like this idea, I still had to say something.
This came in the form of: Sir, why not start Monday instead, because we are still processing the idea and our body clocks haven’t been configured to it yet.
At eto pa, what do we get as a prize for complying? Like going to work on time is not part of our natural responsibilities.
Meanwhile, inside my other boss’ cubicle, he was telling Joyce (our secretary) not to assign Des and me on the same day, because it would mean nobody coming in at all. How intuitive, hehe.
In the end, my boss conceded to our pleas to have this setup start on Monday. And as a prize for being early birds, we’ll get worms daw. He still has to figure out the acceptable equivalent of those worms.
Hmmm… a rating higher than 4, perhaps?
In fact, I would not have stayed this long if he is as despicable as I sometimes portray him to be (by the way, I have two bosses and both are extreme opposites).
For one, this boss strongly opposed my other boss’ proposal to have us hand in a daily, no, HOURLY activity report. He was bold enough to say that it was a stupid idea right in front of all of us auditors. Whoa. Right there and then, I wanted to give him a standing ovation (what an ass, haha). And believe me, i resisted the urge to turn and look at my other boss' reaction.
Anyways, going back to why I am doing this kiss-ass entry…
After the 3-hour long meeting meant to criticize my current project which, thank god, wasn’t butchered, I was finally able to go back to my desk to check my mails.
Here’s what I’ve found.
Gahd, I couldn’t stop laughing.
I could imagine my boss lying awake every night thinking up some ways to encourage us to be model ALI employees by coming to work at 7:30 AM. Before, he used to send email reminders to everybody to not forget that work starts at 7:30 AM and that we are not on flexi-time. When he sends these good morning emails, he is usually the only one in the office, and two or three hours would pass before any of us are able to read it. By that time, his annoyance is a thing of the past.
Months after that, he called a meeting, saying that, yes, we can come to work at 8:00 because, indeed, 7:30 is too early. Besides, we stay late working overtime naman.
Apparently, these things failed. And he has gone out of other strategies to make us come to work on time.
Our chronic lateness must have been driving him crazy already for him to resort to this kind of compromise. (Sir, seriously, this is not exactly what the company policy says. But I love it.)
So while we were still laughing our hearts out, our secretary informed us that the new internal arrangement is supposed to take effect Friday - TOMORROW. And Des and I are supposed to be the ones going to work before 7:30AM.
Well... regardless of how much I like this idea, I still had to say something.
This came in the form of: Sir, why not start Monday instead, because we are still processing the idea and our body clocks haven’t been configured to it yet.
At eto pa, what do we get as a prize for complying? Like going to work on time is not part of our natural responsibilities.
Meanwhile, inside my other boss’ cubicle, he was telling Joyce (our secretary) not to assign Des and me on the same day, because it would mean nobody coming in at all. How intuitive, hehe.
In the end, my boss conceded to our pleas to have this setup start on Monday. And as a prize for being early birds, we’ll get worms daw. He still has to figure out the acceptable equivalent of those worms.
Hmmm… a rating higher than 4, perhaps?
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
panic attack #758
This week has been full of decisions for me. Today, i am making a major one yet again.
Hi, my name is Che. I am 25 years old.
Yes, i have decided to keep my age at 25. I know, i know, you just shut up. This means no birthdays for me for the next few years (four, maybe - go figure.)
This means that when meeting new people, or when anybody asks about my age, i should not be with somebody who i went to school with in prep, grade school, or anybody i have consistently spent birthdays with for the past few years.
Meaning, i should totally forget about my birth certificate, buried somewhere inside the condo unit in pasong-tamo, where i used to live, abandoned, but is still under my name until now.
What triggered this? My boss. Who kept on telling us audit ladies that, unlike men, we are like ticking clocks.
Therefore, i have to do something to stop this clock from ticking so fast. So there, i choose a random age from the air, and settled for 25.
A few years ago, i said that 23 is the best age for any woman.
No pressures to have a stable career. that was the time that i can still choose to bum around and still not be ashamed to ask for a living allowance from my Dad.
I did not feel the need to earn my own money then. I live at my Dad's house, i get free food, free cable TV, free internet, etc.. Each time he thinks that our househelp is beginning to look better than i do, i get shopping money too. Which, by the way, isn't all spent on clothes. 75% always goes to booze.
At 23, i did not feel the need to explain to anybody why i was not in a relationship. Heck, if i fooled around then, that was because i was only 23.
Well, a decade before i was 23, i decided that i should get married at 23. I thought then that by the time i am 23, i'd have my first million pesos in my savings account already.
Also, at 13, i figured that i'd have graduated at 20 (with honors, of course!), then companies will be killing each other to get my services, i'd be driving my own volvo by then, and yes, i'll be with a gorgeous and rich boyfriend who i will eventually marry before i turn 24.
There was more to that, but it is getting to be depressing. :)
A decade and two years later (:P), none of my childhood dreams happened.
I had a hard time graduating in college, i shifted courses before finally deciding that i hate accountancy but am going to finish it anyway,
i almost choked when asked why i have 5, 6, wait... 8! failed subjects in an interview with an SGV Senior Director,
i have an okay job but not even one company begged me to choose them,
i don't have even a hundred thousand in my bank account,
i have LOANS!,
i do not have a car (which is okay because i never learned to cross the street, anyway).
And, well, i am not married, not even close.
i am writing this to put on record that, today, i have officially declared myself 25 years old.
am so stunned i can't think of a suitable title for this entry.
Hey, buntis ka ba?
I was on my way up the elevator when someone from AC greeted me and blurted out the question. And the other six, seven people in the lift all looked at me for an answer. I just smiled and said no. He looked away, so did the other six, seven people.
I was looking at the floor indicator to see how long it will be until I can safely be out of the elevator, and be free from my most embarrassing Tower One situation, so far.
Last Sunday it was Janet.
After more than an hour of kamustahan, talking mostly about other people we both know: who got married, who haven’t gotten married but are having babies anyway, the few others who are still single and with no immediate plans of either getting married or of having babies..
...she dropped my favorite line for the past few months: Che, you’ve gained so much weight.
She must have noticed my face dropped because she changed the subject just as fast. So there.
Together with the other changes that I plan to do with my life, I’ll be dieting. Well, I’ll try.
Partly because I don’t want people asking me if I am pregnant when I am not. The other reason might be because I want to lose enough weight to be able to snag somebody who will want to get me pregnant (five years from now, by the time i’m 27, haha), with or without getting married.
By the way, I don’t mean most of the things I just wrote here, except for the dieting part.
I was on my way up the elevator when someone from AC greeted me and blurted out the question. And the other six, seven people in the lift all looked at me for an answer. I just smiled and said no. He looked away, so did the other six, seven people.
I was looking at the floor indicator to see how long it will be until I can safely be out of the elevator, and be free from my most embarrassing Tower One situation, so far.
Last Sunday it was Janet.
After more than an hour of kamustahan, talking mostly about other people we both know: who got married, who haven’t gotten married but are having babies anyway, the few others who are still single and with no immediate plans of either getting married or of having babies..
...she dropped my favorite line for the past few months: Che, you’ve gained so much weight.
She must have noticed my face dropped because she changed the subject just as fast. So there.
Together with the other changes that I plan to do with my life, I’ll be dieting. Well, I’ll try.
Partly because I don’t want people asking me if I am pregnant when I am not. The other reason might be because I want to lose enough weight to be able to snag somebody who will want to get me pregnant (five years from now, by the time i’m 27, haha), with or without getting married.
By the way, I don’t mean most of the things I just wrote here, except for the dieting part.
Monday, August 11, 2008
manic mondays.
it's back. my sunday evening jitters.
last thursday, while doing piles of documentation for my risk-based audit assistance to Des (our boss decided not to give us assistants, might have realized that he can still make use of our extra time by having us assist each other instead, plus the obvious fact that those we got last year were a bunch of incompetents and therefore a waste of our already measly internal budget), the feeling that i do not like what i was doing hit me. It's that wave of strong emotions not very different when one remembers an old love. In short, nagpitik lang bigla. I had doubts before, thursday confirmed all of it. habo ko ni. i should be doing something else instead.
With that came the decision to just get through with it excellently (this assistance plus my own solo project), for me to have the pride and courage to ask for an exit come november. I am thinking of moving to corporate planning, pero habo kong finance-related na corporate planning. or ad and promo. or project development. if only i had a little more talent... it would be innovations and design. haay.
Last friday, i asked Des to give me all files related to our project, so i can study it and eventually be able complete my part of the bargain during the weekend. I did none of these things.
tomorrow, i am up for my bosses' review. and i did nothing. last week, i haven't been doing anything either but lose online poker chips. Well.
Now i can't sleep. i think i am having an anxiety attack, tsk. If only this is a good enough reason to cry.
last thursday, while doing piles of documentation for my risk-based audit assistance to Des (our boss decided not to give us assistants, might have realized that he can still make use of our extra time by having us assist each other instead, plus the obvious fact that those we got last year were a bunch of incompetents and therefore a waste of our already measly internal budget), the feeling that i do not like what i was doing hit me. It's that wave of strong emotions not very different when one remembers an old love. In short, nagpitik lang bigla. I had doubts before, thursday confirmed all of it. habo ko ni. i should be doing something else instead.
With that came the decision to just get through with it excellently (this assistance plus my own solo project), for me to have the pride and courage to ask for an exit come november. I am thinking of moving to corporate planning, pero habo kong finance-related na corporate planning. or ad and promo. or project development. if only i had a little more talent... it would be innovations and design. haay.
Last friday, i asked Des to give me all files related to our project, so i can study it and eventually be able complete my part of the bargain during the weekend. I did none of these things.
tomorrow, i am up for my bosses' review. and i did nothing. last week, i haven't been doing anything either but lose online poker chips. Well.
Now i can't sleep. i think i am having an anxiety attack, tsk. If only this is a good enough reason to cry.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
panic attack #364
I had a recurring dream last December. I dreamt that my father is dead. Upon waking up, I’d always feel relieved, realizing that it was just a bad dream. And then while rubbing my eyes to shake off what remains of that dream, I’d fully wake up and realize that my dad is really dead. Then I'd go numb and I’d start crying.
These were my worst dreams. The ones where waking up does not provide an escape, but rather reinforces the very dream that I was trying not to remember. Leaving me with no choice but pretend to act tough and not mind my dream staying with me throughout the day. Every day.
I commit recurring mistakes wherein sleeping or dreaming does not provide an escape either, but rather, magnifies the degree of these mistakes. Leaving me not wanting to wake up anymore and face the fact that I am not that tough and I can't pretend that I don’t mind me fucking up all the time. But I have to struggle to wake up and pretend that everything is perfect and as they should be. And I have to do this every day.
These are worse than my worst dreams.
I am about to sleep and my biggest struggle right now is to try to not think of these fears making their way to my dreams. Because I no longer want my parents’ ghost haunting me everyday, asking me where they failed me, or why I am failing them now. Because I don’t want to wake up not wanting to wake up anymore.
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