if i could be who you wanted... all the time.

he looks like the real thing
he tastes like the real thing

my fake plastic love.

...and it wears me out, it wears me out, it wears me out, it wears me out.


too thin ...i am already feeling so brittle i might break anytime.

there, to summarize my 2-week old drama.

self-assigned penance and (another) (late) new year's resolution

i have been wading my way through numbers for two weeks now. and for the first time in my life, no, second time (the first time was when i flunked my DOST scholarship), i cried because i felt so unintelligent and incompetent in my job.


and i have made a resolve to start writing again, not because Ninoy is saying na lamang na siya, but because this is the only way to stop me from totally losing it - finance has always had this effect on me, i am just too scared to try something else. or to say no to those goddamn SPs with god complexes.

Kaya ako nag-Pillars kang college. I couldn't stomach accounting, but writing was able to dilute its effect on me to the point of being tolerable.

i just hope blogging does the same to me now.


(i have thrown two tantrums in two weeks. thank you you for putting up with me. it's just my new job that gets me so wiry and irritable. you should know.)

i haven't been here for a while. Normally, when people stop writing, the likely excuse would be because that person is busy living. i am not very sure if i could use that phrase right now.

now that i am trying to recall what happened to me afew months back, i could not remember anything remarkable that is worth mentioning here. my mondays are still the same dreadful mondays that dates back to my college days. my wednesdays are pretty exciting though, i get to download the latest installment of Heroes and Prisonbreak. and my weekends are always composed of alternating shopping splurges and subsequent bankruptcy (i am headed towards this type weekend come saturday).

why i am writing right now? because i don't have a tv set and i was not able to watch Obama's speech last night on CNN. So i am now trying to download his speech via youtube. (Apparently, everybody at the office was talking about it and it felt like i suddenly deteriorated into the most useless and apathetic person in history. though i could always claim to hate the emperialist US, like the phoney i was in college)

oh, and i am trying to work on something that i should have finished in November 2008. I had to write this down just so i could remember that my bosses' and my own KRAs are at risk right now because i had been too busy with insignificancies (apparently, becuase i could not even recall important milestones, if there is any at all) the rest of 2008 (and eventually this translates to a low performance rating that also translates to a low performance bonus multiplier that also translates to unhappy creditors and unhappy me and unhappy nephews and nieces).

The most logical explanation would have to be because i did not bathe new year's day of 2008.

Well, with lessons learned, it's time for a few changes. Which will eventually translate to better work performance and better ratings, and maybe a promotion come next SPE.


I did remember taking a bath last January 1 despite the freezing weather in Naga. Knowing that, i can safely ay that the future looks bright for me.


This is all for now. Youtube says it's time for me to listen to Obama without buffers.

panic attack #997.

i die everyday.
with every pause, every sigh, every ellipsis...

with every silence.

that makes me hold my breath
and release it
only when you smile,
or talk,
or look at me.

and we connect
in any possible way.

it assures me that i can still breath
peacefully.

for a day.

only to die again.
with your absence...

withyourabsence.
every lull grips my throat
suffocates me with fear and it numbs my mind.
this fear
this lack of air (this lack of you).

and i have to wait everyday
for you to revive me again
after silently killing me.

dependent on you
like air (that's always inside me),
that i cannot keep.


and i fear that at some point, there'd be no more resurrection after death.


...

pleas.

no more burnt hands,

shoulders,

paper-cut fingers

 

bruised knees and legs,

or sprained ankles.

or sore eyes.

please.

the broken glasses, flying forks, spilled food and beer are much easier to deal with. 

and they hurt a lot less.

I don't think that you even realize the joy you make me feel when i'm inside your universe...

...that is exactly how i feel right now that i am able to hear him sing again.

no fancy reviews... just pure wonder at this genius.

listen, and join the ride to this musical time machine.

Rediscovering You.

Now I know that this is part of your grand plan for me, to rediscover you. To realize that even while I think that I am alone, you have been with me all the while.

And solitude is your way of letting me seek you out, maybe because you have gotten tired of watching me make a fool of myself all the time. Maybe you have gotten tired of waiting for me to pass on to you the burden that I should not have been carrying in the first place. And I no longer have to tell you how heavy it was. Because, of course, you know that already.  And you also know that this time, I just might not be able to bear it alone.

Through solitude, you were able to talk to me again, because there’s the absence of noise clouding your calls for me to return to you, to reestablish the relationship that I have built with you for years.

You see, freedom has gotten into my head. And I have proven myself inept of handling the responsibilities that came with the freedom that you allowed me. But you knew this was coming, that is why you are trying to save me now from myself. And maybe this is yet another way of teaching me some important lessons that I would be making use of as I go through life. You allowed me to experience all these so that, when I come out of it, I’d have gained more wisdom and insight. And you know that there is no other way you could have taught me these.

And with me knowing that, the “feeling good” that I’m feeling right now is not that impossible to believe.

It’s nice to finally have gotten rid of the thoughts that are keeping me from being happy and from moving swiftly into life, the way I had been doing before I started collecting my own emotional garbage.

I could never thank you enough for reminding me of all these things.

Right now, I can go to sleep without a heavy heart, knowing well that you have plans for me. Those might not be similar to what I have planned for myself, but I trust that you know what is best for me and with you taking the lead, I am confident that I will be able walk the right way towards achieving it.