panic attack #997.

i die everyday.
with every pause, every sigh, every ellipsis...

with every silence.

that makes me hold my breath
and release it
only when you smile,
or talk,
or look at me.

and we connect
in any possible way.

it assures me that i can still breath
peacefully.

for a day.

only to die again.
with your absence...

withyourabsence.
every lull grips my throat
suffocates me with fear and it numbs my mind.
this fear
this lack of air (this lack of you).

and i have to wait everyday
for you to revive me again
after silently killing me.

dependent on you
like air (that's always inside me),
that i cannot keep.


and i fear that at some point, there'd be no more resurrection after death.


...

pleas.

no more burnt hands,

shoulders,

paper-cut fingers

 

bruised knees and legs,

or sprained ankles.

or sore eyes.

please.

the broken glasses, flying forks, spilled food and beer are much easier to deal with. 

and they hurt a lot less.

I don't think that you even realize the joy you make me feel when i'm inside your universe...

...that is exactly how i feel right now that i am able to hear him sing again.

no fancy reviews... just pure wonder at this genius.

listen, and join the ride to this musical time machine.

Rediscovering You.

Now I know that this is part of your grand plan for me, to rediscover you. To realize that even while I think that I am alone, you have been with me all the while.

And solitude is your way of letting me seek you out, maybe because you have gotten tired of watching me make a fool of myself all the time. Maybe you have gotten tired of waiting for me to pass on to you the burden that I should not have been carrying in the first place. And I no longer have to tell you how heavy it was. Because, of course, you know that already.  And you also know that this time, I just might not be able to bear it alone.

Through solitude, you were able to talk to me again, because there’s the absence of noise clouding your calls for me to return to you, to reestablish the relationship that I have built with you for years.

You see, freedom has gotten into my head. And I have proven myself inept of handling the responsibilities that came with the freedom that you allowed me. But you knew this was coming, that is why you are trying to save me now from myself. And maybe this is yet another way of teaching me some important lessons that I would be making use of as I go through life. You allowed me to experience all these so that, when I come out of it, I’d have gained more wisdom and insight. And you know that there is no other way you could have taught me these.

And with me knowing that, the “feeling good” that I’m feeling right now is not that impossible to believe.

It’s nice to finally have gotten rid of the thoughts that are keeping me from being happy and from moving swiftly into life, the way I had been doing before I started collecting my own emotional garbage.

I could never thank you enough for reminding me of all these things.

Right now, I can go to sleep without a heavy heart, knowing well that you have plans for me. Those might not be similar to what I have planned for myself, but I trust that you know what is best for me and with you taking the lead, I am confident that I will be able walk the right way towards achieving it. 

homework.

think about one of your communication strengths and reflect on how you developed it. Did a class, practice, feedback or a good role model help you to learn? Share lessons learned.



Seriously. Hehe.



But i am busy Pokerstarring right now... and besides, i don't think i have any. Especially when it is spoken. So, anyone who wants to kiss my ass for a pair of movie tickets in Ayala Malls is welcome to do so. And a little embellishment won't hurt either. Haha.


Dammit, am compliment-hungry. And i really need a serious personality boost right now. Please.

when PMS gets in the way of life.

I must be PMSing, today of all days.


meaning: i am twice as lonely and as easily pissed. In short, i am becoming the emotional pendulum that i soo much detest.

Thank God i have this Spoken Communication training in Ateneo, else i would have moped all day. Instead (maybe in an effort to dispel my terrible mood), i volunteered in ALMOST all exercises and shared as much as i can when students' participation was called for. I swear i could see my boss almost clapping his hands in approval of my initiative, haha.

But that was not me. Right now, i am not sure if it was a bad thing or not. I felt good about it, so maybe something good came out of me being open to people sometimes. :)

But i am still PMSing and i still feel like shit. And after my training, i realized that i still don't wanna talk to anybody.

For the meantime.

I am alone and Sugarfree is screaming in the background…

Ayoko nang mag-isa, ayoko nang mag-isa, ayoko nang mag-isa….

After what seemed like a moment of epiphany or an influx of crazy ideas and a series of text messages (with James McAvoy repeatedly saying “I’m sorry” in my Mac), I have decided to start living alone. Away from my boys.

(I am still trying to figure out the most plausible excuse for shocking my housemates with the news that I have decided to move out. When I am able to figure this one out, I am going to write about it.)

And today is my first night alone in a rented studio in Makati (and am beginning to regret it). In the few hours that I have been pacing back and forth my bedroom-slash-dining room-slash-receiving area-slash-kitchen, I have found the perfect tambayan.

My kitchen (just a sink, actually). Picture me sitting on top of the sink, cross-legged, and with yosi in hand. This is the best I can do without a single chair in my bedroom-slash-dining room-slash-receiving area-slash-kitchen.

Without nothing more to do, no more yosi to burn, and with my otherwise nice and obliging friend deciding that I am a lousy textmate thus he’s better off texting other interesting people or maybe he is indeed really sleepy already, I am left with nothing more to do but have a mental rerun of the things that I have done today.

10:00am – woke up and ate the remaining junk in the refrigerator. If there were still a bottle remaining from the previous night’s beer, I’d have drunk that too.

11:00am – decided that I am in a foul mood and thus keep talking to people to a minimum. Meaning, no unnecessary words when answering questions from anybody.

11:30am – reviewed my “to buy” list. Decided that I do not have the money for everything, so I took off half the items from my list.

1:30pm – Brought my remaining stuff to my new place. Didn’t get lost this time. The cab’s meter was running so fast, but i paid anyway, and told him that he has a faulty meter.

2:00pm – Realized that I am most probably acting up, thus I better try to be nicer to Ninoy. Else, this otherwise nice and accommodating friend might leave me to shop for garbage basket, pail, sofa bed, etc. ALONE.

3:00pm – Started shopping.

4:00pm – Was done shopping. See? I am broke, otherwise, I’d have stayed inside the mall till 10:00pm. Was supposed to treat Noi to a Yellowcab pizza, but it was raining so hard and we had to take advantage of SM’s staff assisting us in getting a cab and getting our things inside the cab. So we decided to just go home. Got lost on our way back. It was the cab driver’s fault, I swear.

6:00pm – The pizza became adobo and chicken curry in the karenderia in front of my new apartment. I shelled out a hundred pesos for those and for two regular coke. Also, I paid in COINS.

6:30pm – I am alone. And broke. And I’ve never felt more alone in my life.

6:40pm – Started taking out the contents from the boxes that Budoy and Noi helped me bring here yesterday. Well, they did 95% of the work, actually. I only had to carry a small Landmark plastic bag containing 21 tubes of various sizes.

By this time, Sugarfree’s Kwarto was playing in itunes. This was Noi’s idea, before he reacts and say that I am claiming this for mine, hehe.

(When I write about my reason for going solo, this song will definitely be my soundtrack.)

9:30pm – Done mopping the floor, folding and hanging my clothes, taking out my books, and throwing my remaining trash. And around this time, realized that my most precious possessions today are the following:
1. My bed
2. My electric fan
3. My laptop

Then I started pacing back and forth my bedroom-slash-dining room-slash-receiving area-slash-kitchen, until I established the routine of lighting a cigarette and sitting cross-legged on top of my sink.

Until I decided to write about my day.




Done. But I am still broke and lonely. And I miss Naga.