panic attack #364

I had a recurring dream last December. I dreamt that my father is dead. Upon waking up, I’d always feel relieved, realizing that it was just a bad dream. And then while rubbing my eyes to shake off what remains of that dream, I’d fully wake up and realize that my dad is really dead. Then I'd go numb and I’d start crying.

These were my worst dreams. The ones where waking up does not provide an escape, but rather reinforces the very dream that I was trying not to remember. Leaving me with no choice but pretend to act tough and not mind my dream staying with me throughout the day. Every day.

I commit recurring mistakes wherein sleeping or dreaming does not provide an escape either, but rather, magnifies the degree of these mistakes. Leaving me not wanting to wake up anymore and face the fact that I am not that tough and I can't pretend that I don’t mind me fucking up all the time. But I have to struggle to wake up and pretend that everything is perfect and as they should be. And I have to do this every day.

These are worse than my worst dreams.

I am about to sleep and my biggest struggle right now is to try to not think of these fears making their way to my dreams. Because I no longer want my parents’ ghost haunting me everyday, asking me where they failed me, or why I am failing them now. Because I don’t want to wake up not wanting to wake up anymore.